As I said in my previous post about dating someone with ADHD, I frequently find clients complaining about their partners, only to realize that the complaints are stemming from the fact that my client’s partners are neurodivergent. Dating someone with autism can have unique challenges – and unique joys. This post is going to break down common complaints that I see and the advice I give to clients. (If you would like to learn more about autism in general, check out my post at this link.)
Common relationship complaints when dating someone with autism:
My partner:
- Is too quiet or loud
- Doesn’t make eye contact when we’re talking
- Is too reserved; they’re not interested in socializing
- Isn’t interested in things that are important to me
- Is too direct or rude
- Complains when I’m being loud when I’m not
- Gets overwhelmed easily
People with autism are not all the same. Autism looks different for everyone. However, if your better half is autistic (or you identify with a few of the points above,) here is what I’ve seen help clients better understand and relate to their partners.
“My partner is too quiet or too loud”
Autistic people often struggle with volume control. Auditory stimulation is a significant part of the experience for most folks with autism. This can lead to someone consistently speaking too quietly or too loudly within their environment.
My advice:
In moments where your partner is being too loud or too quiet, take note of their environment. What’s going on? What’s contributing to the discrepancy in volume? Communicate in a kind way any frustration you might be experiencing. Open a dialogue about how you can work together to find a solution.
“My partner doesn’t make eye contact when we’re talking”
Eye contact can oftentimes be challenging for someone with autism. It can feel overwhelming – especially if you’re already feeling some sensory overload.
A suggestion:
Eye contact is a very critical aspect of communication for most people. But for the people who struggle with it, demanding they force it can be very problematic. Is it possible for you to understand that the lack of eye contact isn’t intended to be disrespectful? Are you able to be more compassionate with your loved one and not demand something of them that would be such a struggle for them to provide?
Non-verbal cues might be easier for communicating. Developing a few hand-signals to articulate “I am too overwhelmed to talk right now” or “let’s catch up on this later” might be a great way to build intimacy. Nothing builds connection quite like effective communication habits that belong to the two of you solely.
“My partner is too reserved; they’re not interested in socializing”
Autistic individuals can oftentimes feel overwhelmed by social settings. If your brain is already very sensitive to external stimuli, immersing yourself in new environments with large groups of people can be frightening.
What I’ve seen work:
Ensure that you are given the bandwidth you deserve to go out and be social. You should not have to sacrifice your interests and your friends. At the same time, you shouldn’t expect your partner to do something that will cause them anxiety or stress.
If it’s that important to you that your significant other joins you on social outings, ask yourself why? Is it possible that there’s a compromise available? Can your partner come for a bit and leave early?
“My partner isn’t interested in things that are important to me“
One of the most beautiful things about autism is that it autistic people usually have “special interests”. This is oftentimes a major part of an autistic person’s life. This can lead to an inability to feign an intrigue in something they aren’t already interested in.
Here’s my take:
Thank God! What a breath of fresh air! Finally, someone who doesn’t pretend to like my interests so that I will like them. Clear communication is your best friend here. Tell your partner why you’re interested in the topic at hand and ask them to at least appreciate it as a way to show you love and respect. You will not likely be successful in getting them “onboard” to the same degree that they already enjoy their special interest – but who needs that? You’re looking for validation, the same as any of us, and asking for it directly is the key.
“My partner is too direct and rude”
Autism doesn’t place a lot of value on social norms. What is truly just genuine communication and behavior can come across as rude. If it bothers you, that’s allowed.
This is what you should do:
Assume the best of your partner. If they offend you, give them the benefit of the doubt that it might not have been intentional. At a time when you’re in control of your emotions, kindly tell your partner what happened, why it offended you, and ask them if they realized they were being hurtful. Clarity on the situation is key.
Dating or being in a relationship with someone with autism can present unique challenges. But the challenges can almost always be overcome with an understanding of why autism is the way it is.
Here are a few things I love about people with autism:
- They have a strong sense of loyalty
- They’ll be looking out for you in ways you might not expect
- Their honesty will never leave you wondering where you stand
- They have a strong sense of empathy
Relationships can be complicated, messy, and challenging. Dating someone with autism is no different. Short of knowing the intimate details of your specific situation, the advice I have given here will work almost every time. Assume the best, communicate directly, state your needs, and be willing to accommodate your partner. This is the best approach, whether you’re dating someone who is neurodivergent or not. Kindness and communication work.
We specialize in providing therapy to people with autism. you would like to connect with me or someone else at AshTree Counseling Center, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.